Friday, 29 July 2016

LIFE UPDATE | We bought a house!

Hello! I thought that today,  I would talk a bit more about what has been going on in my life over this past year. It feels like 2016 has gone by so quickly doesn't it? Can you believe we are almost in August already? Neither can I. Can I also take a moment and say; what the hell has been going on with all the major celebrity deaths this year too? Shocking! When we entered the new year and Bowie bowed out I didn't think another celeb passing would shock me half as much and then bam! a couple of days later the amazing Alan Rickman passed away and it just spiralled from there. So so sad.


We are nearly entering my favourite time of year! don't get me wrong, I am loving the long summer evenings and warm weather, I am also loving living in my denim shorts and sleeveless tops but if I had to choose my favourite time of year it would always be Autumn hands down. It is my favourite because of our wedding anniversary, Halloween and Bonfire night, as well as the countdown to Christmas. But this year I am looking forward to something so much bigger - moving into our very own house...

As I said in my previous blog post, since I last wrote on here we have moved out of our rented home and are living at my mums because we wanted to clear credit cards, get money together and buy a house. We had joked before about moving to Norfolk because we have family there who we visit regularly and we really like it up there. When we started looking at houses, Patrick had a sneaky look at Norfolk house prices and we couldn't believe how much more you could get for your money. Rather than stretching ourselves financially we could actually buy somewhere big enough for what we wanted  / needed right now and still live comfortably enough. Could we do it though? Patrick is doing really well in his job so wouldn't want to leave and our family and friends are here in Essex. The reality is, where we have chosen to live in Norfolk (Dereham) is an hour and half or so away when the traffic is good. It is by no means the long slog it used to be so for him to commute to work is doable and to visit family and friends for the day is doable, we are not a million miles away. The long and short of it was, the more we thought about it the more it made sense and the more we really wanted to move there. We love the countryside, the lifestyle, the people and just can't wait to call Norfolk home. It does feel really weird to think the life I am living every day now will end and we will start again somewhere else, in completely new county but I don't feel sad about it because I know I will still see my family and I know I will still see the friends I love and see a lot of now.I am excited for the future!

The house we have bought is a three bed detached and it is due for completion September / October time. The outside is complete and they are now working on the inside. We have had our 'options meeting' to discuss fixtures and fittings which got us all the more excited about moving in because we LOVE what we chose. It kind of just seems surreal at the moment, I don't know if it feels like that anyway when buying a house because sometimes there can be quite a time scale between making an offer and moving in, but for us despite buying bits and bobs as we go along and picking fixtures and fittings it doesn't seem real that we are going to move into that house we keep visiting. That that building site that is gated off with half built houses will one day be our road, the place we call home and that brings familiarity and comfort. 

As I say, I have been buying lots of things for the house and I am going to go back to filming for my YouTube channel as I really want to spread the word on how to feel better when suffering mental health issues and think some stuff is just so much easier to talk about on film rather than trying to write the correct terminology on here. As and when I go back to it I think I will do a HUUGE home ware haul too as I really want to vlog our move so we have the memories all captured on film for us to relive whenever we want to.

I do love watching home ware hauls on YouTube at the moment though so am excited to make one! Here are some of the ideas I have had regarding decorating / furnishing the house so far:

Above left, is an idea for the living room, although we don't want to put shelves up like that (or not that many anyway, if we do) but I like the idea of her having her own little corner with a table and chairs and storage for the toys she is currently playing with downstairs as well as a place for her books. Her own little corner. I don't like lots of toys everywhere so they tend to mainly live upstairs in her bedroom but of course, some end up staying downstairs so as long as there is a proper place for them I don't mind. 

Above right is an idea on how the bedroom will look. I love the monochrome look at the moment and have bought new bedding and stuff for the walls to coincide with it. Patrick loves the look too so I am also currently browsing the internet for black and white blinds as the majority of the room will be white. One of the best things about having a black and white bedroom is it actually doesn't cost that much to do! win win! (I have even bought us black and white initial mugs like the one in this photo to have our Saturday morning lay in cuppa's with.....if we ever get a lay in!)

Bottom right is an idea for the living room, we are both agreed that we want to keep everything light and modern and minimal for now and then see where the mood takes us with regards to decorating once we have lived there for a while. I really love silver and grey at the moment and we both want a grey sofa which is a start. I think I have seen a nice set of side tables too. The main thing we want is to create the illusion of lots of space so I don't want to fill the living room with lots of furniture. The third bedroom is going to be an office so there will be a place for all of our paperwork to keep it neatly tucked away. we both want the living room to be a nice, calm, relaxing place with NO CLUTTER.

Below left is an idea for bathroom storage as we won't have an airing cupboard and will need a place to store towels. We have an en suite so the family bathroom will only need a few towels in it and will be mainly used for Savannah's bath time. I love the idea of perhaps rolling the towels up and then having a few ornaments or candles either side, not making it too cluttered but making it look pretty.

This idea board is for the office where I will do my writing and we will file any paperwork we have (we are pretty much paperless with everything but of course you always end up with stuff!) I love the workstation which is £90 from Ikea and the matching storage unit for putting our documents and any photos / ornaments on. I also love this chair! and want the faux sheepskin rug to drape over it. We will also get a sofa bed for the office eventually for when people stay over, we just need to get a sofa for the living room first!

What do you think of my ideas so far?
Let me know if you would like me to do a video of what I have bought for the house over on YouTube!

Big love xx

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

WELLBEING | How do you explain depression to loved ones?

Hello all, happy hump day!

As I said in my previous post, I want to talk more on this blog about mental health issues, my experiences and also my ways of dealing with it whether it is the changes I have made to my lifestyle or just how I deal with it every day. Hopefully some of you reading will find it helpful!

To explain depression to somebody who genuinely doesn't understand how it feels can seem impossible, I have had to try and explain it to my husband and other members of my family who are lucky enough to have never experienced it. Not everyone does. People can go through difficult phases or times of horrific grief but not suffer depression. FYI, I really envy those people!

So, for me, I guess I would say that depression feels like a giant weight on my head. I genuinely feel as though my head is full to the brim with a black mess of thoughts, fears, worries, anxieties, stresses, nerves, hang up's and everything in between, tangled up in a big ball and that it is growing so big my skull can barely contain it all. The weight of it presses down on my head and shoulders and genuinely makes me feel weighed down. I feel like tears are forever brimming under the surface of my eyes, ready to burst out at any moment, for any reason: because I am angry, sad, frustrated, anything. I have heard people describe the feeling as a constant fear or worry that something awful is going to happen. I guess that is a good way of putting it too because you feel on edge and have a constant stream of thoughts and ''what if's'' running through your mind.

I just always feel an overwhelming sadness, like nothing I can genuinely describe. I would say just imagine the most unhappy you have ever been and it is like that. I feel like I don't want to be here and that every day tasks like getting dressed are a genuine struggle. I don't want to exist, I just want to close my eyes and never wake up. My head is constantly full of white noise - conflicting voices going in and out of my brain all day, every day and it is hard to hear what they want or are saying. All except the dark voices of course, you hear those loud and clear alright. The ones that tell you you are not good enough or can't do it or are not pretty enough, are too fat, too stupid, inexperienced and all of those other negatives that would stop you doing something you want to (these thoughts are kind of stepping onto anxieties territory as anxiety tends to be more a fear of what could happen and what is to come, mine kind of blur together.)

The great thing about the internet is if you don't feel like you can explain how you are feeling or don't feel you want to explain it there are ways of conveying how you feel. Articles you can ask loved ones to read or YouTube videos you can ask loved ones to watch, I did this. I found it explained it so much better than I ever could. I am someone who naturally stumbles over my words because of the fact I am always rushing and thinking ahead and never living NOW in every sense of the words (even just when talking) something I have learnt comes with anxiety. So I struggled to think of the right terminology to use or the best way to describe my feelings. The video I will link below was the best one for describing how I can feel when I am very low and it is used at a lot of therapy seminars  / groups as well.

The main thing to remember is talking to someone really helps. I was so scared and ashamed of suffering depression. Genuinely. The fact that a year or so after being completely honest with important people in my life, I am writing my personal experience online for anyone to see is HUGE progress. I just lived with it, suffered it. Alone... and as anyone who is or has suffered depression knows, it is lonely enough without isolating people who love you too. They will be relived you have confided in them and will want to help. They won't want you to suffer and if  - like me  - you live with a partner you will find they are probably relived to finally have an explanation to your moods and behaviour. It isn't an easy path to walk down when it comes to sorting yourself out but doing it alone makes it so much more tougher.


Depression is an illness like any other and you shouldn't be ashamed of it.

Don't be like me; I wasted years, caused heartache (to myself and others) I let it rule my life and I ran away from it, all because I was ashamed to say I needed help. I thought people would treat me differently or not like me anymore. I thought people would talk about me behind my back or worse yet, think I was seeking attention. But no-one did. I had the most amazing responses off of all my loved ones and it made me feel so much better. That weight immediately started to lift off once I had been honest and opened up about what I was going through. And if someone HAD judged me or responded with any of those nasty things that I feared? They wouldn't have been worth getting upset over. They couldn't have truly cared. So be honest with yourself and with the people that care about you. It is a big step but you will be so proud of yourself for taking it.

Big love xx


Thursday, 21 July 2016

NEARLY A YEAR, WOAH || Where have I been?

I seriously cannot believe it has been almost a WHOLE YEAR since I wrote on here, it is crazy just how fast time flies by.

Hello, how are you all? Most of my readers may have forgotten who I am by now and I don't blame them, in the world of blogging taking a year off near enough is a bloody long time! I don't know why I am back now really, I just really wanted to write again and this seemed the most obvious place of course so I dusted the blog off, gave it a good shake and logged back in. Good to blow away the cobwebs and all that.

So, where exactly have I been and what I my blog plans from now on then eh?

Well where I have been since I last posted in August is a bit of a long ol' story so I will keep it as short as possible: In a physical sense, when I last blogged we were renting our house in Basildon and were quite content but as things got a bit uncertain with regards to renting my mum offered for us to move into her house to save for a mortgage so that is what we did in the first week of the new year and that is currently where we are still living. We have bought a new build house in NORFOLK which is still being built and should be ready to move into September / October time (you only get two weeks notice as to when you can pick up the keys so I don't know any more on the date than that) we still have our two bunnies although they are no longer house bunnies and live in bunny towers in my mums garden (and are currently enjoying the sun, well the shade really but they like the nice weather!) they will be coming with us when we move too of course (not looking forward to moving them from Essex to Norfolk). Ummm, and I think that is just about it! I have been buying bits and bobs for the house as I go along, trying to find suitable places to store them in the meantime. I cannot wait to unbox them all and lay them out in out brand new home although am not looking forward to going back to paying all of the household bills once again! haha. Our house is a three bed detached so plenty of room for us three and for me to have an office! Yay! I have already been planning how it is going to look.

I cannot believe we will finally have our own home, that is OURS. No more rental agreements and no more landlords. After writing this I think I am going to go back through old blog posts for a trip down memory lane as I started this blog when we lived in our first home - our flat - which seems another lifetime now. The great thing about writing a blog is it is an online journal and it is truly humbling / thought provoking to look back on old posts to relive days gone by and other life experiences which we were living through then. Life changes so quickly and it is easy to forget things; the activities you were doing every day once upon a time, the places you were going or the friends you were seeing. Having this blog reminds me of all of that.

The other big thing that has been going on in my life is depression. Depression and anxiety. They have always been there, gnawing away at my feeble, gullible brain but the last year or so has been particularly bad, probably the worst. BUT, since October last year I have slowly and surely been making changes to my life and thought process to fight back and live a happier, fuller, more content life where I can just be happy being me. I will talk a little bit more about my journey and stuff on another post because right now, today, I feel pretty good so don't want to talk about it as it makes me feel low. But I do want to cover it a lot more on this blog and share my experiences and tips to help others. I used to be so ashamed of suffering depression; I hid it from everybody and while I still probably don't talk about it as openly as I should do I have finally admitted to myself that I suffer from it and made peace with that. After all, I suffer it but it doesn't own me or define who I am as a person. I am also more honest about how I feel with my husband in the hope of making him understand it a little bit more or at least have some clue as to what I am thinking on the dark days (rather than him just thinking I am a moody cow) I have also opened up about it to family and close friends, something I thought I would never do. These steps along with a few other small ones have already made great changes in my life and while I know I have a long way to go yet and that I will fight depression every day for the rest of my life, I am determined to make the most of my life and my time on this earth.


So, here on my little bloggy woggy I will document my life and my journey, my brand new ways of thinking, my determination to live more in the now and let go of worrying what tomorrow brings. To be mindful and content and not expect anything more from life than what I have right now. To learn to accept myself for who I am, what I look like, the mistakes I have made and appreciate who I am and love myself. To share my tips and experiences and ideas and life choices to hopefully inspire or help others.

I guess what I am trying to say is, this blog will go back to what I intended it to be in the first place; a diary of thoughts, memories and life experiences. I will be able to look back over it on days where I feel shitty to remind myself how far I have come and to remind myself it is just a bad day, not a bad life.

It won't all be misery I promise! I am actually a very funny person you know. No really ;)

I hope you will join me!

(P.S. this blog will get a revamp and be renamed at some point soon too, when I can figure out exactly what I want to do!)

In the meantime if you want to follow me on social media, my faves are Instagram and Snapchat, both - nickikinickie

Bye for now xxx