Hiya guys and happy new year! How the hell did 2015 arrive already? I swear that 2014 was by far the quickest year on record yet.
Anyway, if you follow me on TWITTER you will know I have mentioned a few times that I had kind of taken a sabbatical from blogging and planned to return in the new year feeling refreshed and raring to type away again. I totally and utterly lost my blogging mojo a few months ago; I felt no passion for what I was or wanted to write whatsoever and that everything I did write was of no interest. I found myself constantly comparing myself to other bloggers and worrying about why I wasn't getting as many page views as them, offers to review products as them, as much interaction as they were on social media. I suddenly found myself not wanting to even look at blog let alone write on it. I really lost my confidence.The truth is I lost sight of why I was blogging in the first place; yes it would be lovely to be able to carve some kind of 'career' out of blogging but that isn't why I do it, I write on here because I enjoy writing and sharing my thoughts. When I first started this blog three years ago, I wasn't on twitter or INSTAGRAM and didn't share links to my new posts anywhere so as you can imagine I hardly got any page views but despite that, I still wrote on here whenever I felt the desire or whenever something I read made me want to voice my opinion, I turned my laptop on and typed away. While those posts look quite amateur in how they are laid out and how they are written, one thing stands out big time and that is how they were written with passion and from the heart. I wasn't checking page views or bombarding people constantly on social media begging them to read my words I was just writing and then leaving it on the internet to be found.
Don't get me wrong, I WILL continue to share my links via social media because I am not the same blogger I was then and want to share my links and up my views, I want my words to be read and - even better - get comments for me to read and reply to. I know how to market my posts better and how to make them 'stand out' a little bit more on the internet but last year it all became an obsession and if I shared my blog links and didn't get anything back I really took it to heart.
The problem is, I take EVERYTHING to heart. I can feel rejected far too easily because I am just too sensitive as a person, always have been and always will be. Last year was a massive life change for me in that I became a mother and while it was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me it is by far the hardest. Not just because babies are hard work but because of me. I have suffered depression pretty much since I was a teenager as well as confidence issues and anxiety and throughout my twenties it just got worse and worse because I hid it more and more. I used alcohol on nights out to make me feel better about myself and more confident and bought nice new clothes all the time because it made me feel better about myself. (although I would never like how they looked on and so went out and bought another new outfit and another, addicted to the buzz of buying something new) Last year it all kind of came to a head, I was extremely hormonal as you are after having a bambino but also very down. It wasn't post natal because it had always been there it was just that all of a sudden it had reached the surface of my skin and was pouring out of me. I had no confidence in my abilities to do anything - be a good mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, anything. I had lost my confidence in just being. I would cry constantly for hours, for no reason and when Savannah napped I would spend my time asleep too because anything was better than being awake. I also often thought about leaving. I felt like because I was such hard work for my husband to contend with and such a rubbish mother they would do so much better without me. They would think they missed me or that I was wrong to go but really I would have done them the biggest favour I possibly could. That was pretty much how I felt in 2014.
Now, I am not one for opening up and there is a reason for why I am (apart from wanting to be more open, with myself and loved ones - and of course you lovely lot) it is also because I finally got to a place where I am making myself feel so much better. I didn't want the anti depressants the doctor was going to prescribe me because while I have had them before and they work a treat, they are a short term solution - for me, I know this isn't the same for everyone. I wanted to learn to deal with it naturally, myself. I wanted to go to therapy groups and learn to change how I thought, felt and how I approached situations. Over the summer I attended a couple of really helpful groups and learnt first of all, that I wasn't alone in how I felt (that was AMAZING) I also learnt why I perhaps think as I do and how to approach my thoughts differently. I also learnt to LET GO. Such a simple thing but oh my GAAAD so therapeutic, some things in life happen or just are because they are and we can't change it so just LET IT GO. Don't stress over what you can't change or do anything about. We are not perfect and not everyone will like us or be very friendly but that is ok. Not everything in life is easy but if you want it then you will have to work harder for it. Not everything in life goes to plan and sometimes it is pretty shitty but we have to grieve or appreciate that situation for what it is and remember that it won't always be this way.
So, I want to share my journey with you firstly, because it will be therapy for me in itself and very helpful to look back on and secondly, to help others. If one person is helped by what I write on this blog this year and beyond then I will be very happy because it is a very lonely illness and no one should feel that way.
I will talk more about what I am doing to naturally lift my mood, change my way of thinking and outlook on life as well as be more positive in other posts (otherwise it will all be a bit long winded) but it is basically the following:
Practicing positive thinking
Having chill time every day for at least 20 minutes to clear thoughts and stress (taking time for yourself)
Learning to accept yourself for who you are, quirks and imperfections and all.
I will go into each and every point above in more detail and am going to make sections on my blog about both my journey plus all the posts I write to do with any of this will have their own section to so they are easy to find should you want to read over them..
This all sounds very heavy but I promise you it won't be! It is still the same old me and I will still be writing as I did before but throwing in this project as a new thing for 2015 because it means a lot to me to keep track of my journey and put the message out there to other people who have felt or are feeling as I have that they are not alone and can change their lives for the better.
In the meantime if anyone has any questions please get in touch either by commenting below, emailing me or tweeting me.
Most importantly, smile! 2015 is going to be our best year yet!! :)
Lots of love xx